It’s still a little funny to me that I’m writing about a serious topic I’ve been very passionate about in my work as a therapist in relation to a movie about Barbie, but… here we are.
First a little background:
As a couples and relationship therapist and coach who primarily works with cisgender heterosexual couples for the past decade, I couldn’t help noticing the same stories come up over and over and over:
A woman who is asking for more emotional connection and a man who is unable to give it.
A woman burnt out from taking on the majority of household and parenting responsibilities.
A man feeling attacked by and never good enough for his partner.
A man wanting more sexual intimacy but often feeling neglected and rejected by his partner.
I just couldn’t ignore how often I’d see these dynamics show up in the same way.
And trust me, I tried. Really hard actually. My therapist training and most couples therapy training seemed to be gender-blind for the most part. It made me feel like when I was in elementary school where you were taught to “not see color” in regards to racial differences. 😑
I know, it’s ridiculous to think about now, because OF COURSE your race and gender influences your life experience and power dynamics exist. You can’t just decide it’s not a thing because it makes you uncomfortable to confront and talk about… it’s still impacting how we show up in modern society.
But I also didn’t like the whole “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” BS (sorry John Gray.)
I turned to science, but it turns out there’s not that much that differentiates the two sexes that can be explained by biological difference. So I kept wondering what explained the gender differences I was seeing with couples.
Enter an approach to couples therapy called Relational Life Therapy created by Terry Real. I stumbled upon it a psychotherapy conference and it spoke to everything I was seeing in my practice. It was so refreshing to find a therapist who wasn’t afraid to call out the effect that patriarchy has had on how men and women show up in the world. I finally felt like I found what I was missing. What I was noticing was real and it had a name- “psychological patriarchy”- subtle and often ingrained aspects of patriarchal norms that influence our thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, and attitudes, shaping our understanding of ourselves and others. Boom. There it was.
Trump had just been elected President at the time and as all hell broke loose, I dove into reading books by bell hooks and Carol Gilligan, becoming trained in Relational Life Therapy, and learned everything I could about patriarchy, masculinity, feminism, and men’s mental health issues.
And a super weird unexpected thing happened in the midst of all of this. As I learned more about patriarchy and feminism, I became more of a feminist and also more empathic and compassionate towards men. How is that possible?
Well, I’m embarrassed to say, I didn’t view feminism in the best light prior to all this. At its best it was a nice belief and at its worst I thought it was women being really extreme and dramatic and hating men and actually making it worse for women by being so radical. I don’t know…psychological patriarchy at play in my own mind, perhaps? 🫣
But being better informed, I could see feminism for what it really was- a belief in gender equality. That’s it. It’s not about women being like men, making men like women, holding power over men, hating men…in fact, it’s about helping ALL humans, regardless of gender, move beyond systemic inequalities created by patriarchy.
So cue me ranting and raving about all of this and how it influences romantic relationships to everyone who will listen for years on end and people look at me weird… and then the Barbie movie pops up and every client is all “YOU HAVE TO SEE IT.”
Okay fine. I had heard some of the angry responses to it and was worried it perpetuated that “distorted feminism” I referred to earlier (man-bashing, shaming masculinity, women are better than men, etc.) for the sake of entertainment and “female empowerment.”
I was happy to find that that wasn’t the case. It was much more nuanced and addressed the complexities for both genders, in a way that was light-hearted, creative, and suprisingly thought-provoking. It offered a unique and creative way to call out the elephant in the room and engage in open dialogue about how breaking free from confining norms can foster healthier people and more fulfilling connections. And isn’t health and connection what what we all want?
So I genuinely struggle to understand why any man would have so much rage in response to a movie that portrays men as human beings worthy of compassion. Maybe it’s because of my role as a therapist, but I had so much empathy for Ken and his gang of Kens. His story is that of a lot of men today who are trying to catch up to women in terms of reclaiming their wholeness as humans outside of traditional norms of masculinity…except they’re trying to do it without the sense of community and connection women can easily create and maintain amongst themselves.
Men are feeling lost about their purpose, struggling with self-worth and identity while at the same time the old code of “masculinity”- be strong, be invulnerable, be self-sufficient- is hindering their ability to confront these feelings and seek support from fellow men feeling the same way. It’s isolating and lonely. Even the Kens in the movie didn’t have positive healthy models of masculinity to guide them.
And then we wonder why so many men flock to the Andrew Tates and Jordan Petersons of the world.
And to all the feminists reading this who have very valid reasons to be angry at men- having empathy for the challenges facing men does NOT invalidate your experience or negate your fight for justice. Caring about women and men and the whole spectrum of gender benefits us all. Like it or not, we are all intertwined and interdependent.
I’m actually not going to go into how the movie depicted the struggles of women under patriarchy because this is already longer than I expected and I think it’s pretty obvious if you’ve watched the movie (if it’s not, please message me and I’ll be happy to elaborate.). One monologue from the movie sums it all up perfectly and I can’t imagine anyone socialized as a woman not feeling seen by this:
“It is literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don't think you're good enough. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we're always doing it wrong.
You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can't ask for money because that's crass. You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean. You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas. You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman but also always be looking out for other people.
You have to answer for men's bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you're accused of complaining. You're supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you're supposed to be a part of the sisterhood.
But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful.
You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It's too hard! It's too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.
I'm just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us. And if all of that is also true for a doll just representing women, then I don't even know.”
Sure, you can criticize the movie for being a big commercial for Barbie and its rebranding of the iconic doll to make more money (hi capitalism.) Is it perfect? Of course not.
But from my perspective as someone who wants to make the world a more relationally healthy place, the Barbie movie not only forces us to grapple with the nuanced and very real influence of patriarchy on our emotional and relational well-being (while making us laugh in the process), but also allows an opportunity for meaningful dialogue between men and women that they may not be having otherwise. I’d say that’s a win in my book.